6 Suggestions to Hindu Terrorists

Last night I ended up reading the Mumbai Police chargesheet on Abhinav Bharat (the Hindu terror group responsible for various blasts across India), the forensic report (what passes for night-time reading in my life) and Aseemanand’s (one of the Abhinav Bharat member) hand-written confession in Hindi (thanks to ER for fishing it out for me). After digesting all this information I have decided to...wait for it...convert my religion to Presbyterian Church of East Africa. The reason: I demand my religion, nay deserve my religion, to be represented a better class of terrorists. Seriously, Islam get Al Qaeda, Christianity gets IRA and Hinduism gets these monkeys? I would rather go with Somalian Pirates (East African Church kind)

The only time I will get to use Abhinav Bharat and masterminds in the same sentence is when saying, “Abhinav Bharat is to masterminds like velociraptor is to friendly pet.” While I am opposed to terrorism and violence, I am more vehemently opposed to stupidity. Hence, I am forthwith dispensing six pieces of advice to any Hindu out there aspiring to be a terrorist. Please heed to my advice or pretty much don’t blow up stuff, although preferably the latter:

1. Pick an issue from this century. According to Aseemanand’s confession, the reason they decided to target the Mecca Masji, Hyderabad in 2007 was “the Nizam of Hyderabad had decided to go with Pakistan in 1947, and they should be punished for that.” Seriously? That’s your plan? Punishing a city for an unsuccessful decision taken by a Nizam 60 years ago? I mean were they hoping to kill Nizam’s great-great-grandchild in the blast? Its like George W Bush invading Iraq because his daddy once had a beef with Saddam (oh, wait...)

2. No need to gift-wrap the evidence. While the movie industry and newspapers have convinced us of the incompetence of police in this country, there is no need to go out of your way to help them in their investigation. And video-taping yourself planning the bomb blasts and then leaving the video (with quality audio) on your laptop is clearly doing too much. You might as well...uh...I can’t think of doing anything else to make it easier for the police. 

...except may be this.

Yet, this is precisely what these guys did. In the seized laptop of Sudhakar Dwivedi, police found videos of all the Abhinav Bharat members holding meetings in Faridabad, Ujjain and Bhopal discussing their plans.

3. Know thy enemy. Having someone to hate is critical for the existence of a terrorist group. So these guys decided to hate Muslims. Totally understandable, what with Muslims being minority and all, they clearly must be the oppressor in India. But once you have made Muslims your sworn enemies, don’t go recruiting them for your agenda. Aseemanand confesses that Sunil Joshi, who executed the Ajmer blast, had two Muslims helping him in the bombing! What the hell? It’s like US Army paying Taliban for its troop security (oh, wait...)

4. Don't be an asshole. As terrorist group names go, Abhinav Bharat is not exactly the most terror-inspiring one; come to think of it, Abhinav (meaning innovative) Bharat doesn’t even mean anything. Then why get into copyright infringement with a perfectly decent NGO? Abhinav Bharat is a charitable trust working in Mumbai since 2001 (their website is the first to pop up when you google Abhinav Bharat) blissfully unaware of any bomb plots. Now they have to run around issuing press releases and convincing every tom, dick and harry that the only crime they ever committed was trying to popularize hockey (during IPL!)

Crimes against humanity

5. Give us a little context please. According to ever-so-informative video tapes seized by police, Abhinav Bharat agenda is to replace constitution of India to include more Hindutva in every aspect of society. It goes on suggesting more drastic measures like building forts in Madhya Pradesh (for real) for youth to have something to look up to etc. And the bomb blasts were just a way of drawing attention and uniting the Hindus. But then why didn’t they claim responsibilities for the blasts? For more than two years after the beginning of these bomb blasts, everyone including the police continued to think it was some Islamic extremist! Were we supposed to guess? Clearly these guys are loud as a mouse squeak.

6. Do not employ sentimental old fools. The worst part is Aseemanand confessed not because of police pressure or desperation but because of an honest to god, feel-good-movie style change of heart. Aseemanand was turned to the path of love and penance by Kalim - his cellmate in Hyderabad jail - who helped him by bringing food and water. Despite being a Muslim, Kalim’s helpful nature led Aseemanand’s conscience to ask him “to do prayschit [repent].” How is a hardcore terrorist organization supposed to maintain its operational secrecy if one of its primary member has a conscience?

These are the lessons learnt from history. So in future please keep them in mind while you mindlessly prepare for a random attack on innocent citizens who are likely to have played no role whatsoever in your imagined atrocities against Hindus (they may very well be Hindus.) As we all know, learning from your past mistakes helps you avoid them in future. Just like US having failed to miserably in Iraq and Afghanistan is no longer thinking of invading Iran (oh wait...)